


It Takes (More Than) Three

by kampix



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: (nothing actually happened though), Crack, Humor, Implied Beastiality, M/M, Other, Xeno, don't ask me idk either, how do I even tag this, i don't know what rules apply here, i guess??, one is a snake the other an angel and there's a unicorn, they're both dumbasses, this is a very grey area
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23222986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kampix/pseuds/kampix
Summary: “Ya know, there’s one thing I never quite got,” Crowley starts, words slurring slightly around his forked tongue. “Really thought there’d be more unicorns…”Next to him, Aziraphale suddenly chokes on his drink.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 209





	It Takes (More Than) Three

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I have no goddamn clue what this is either. I blame the Ace Omens server for this. You guys are a terrible influence. 
> 
> This did not deserve a beta but it got one anyways, so thanks Kedreeva, you absolute enabler.

They’re both lounging on the bookshop’s sofa (well, Crowley is, Aziraphale is still sitting primly, but is starting to slump ever so slightly to the left), glasses in hand, several empty bottles forgotten about the place.

“Ya know, there’s one thing I never quite got,” Crowley starts, words slurring slightly around his forked tongue. “Really thought there’d be more unicorns…”

Next to him, Aziraphale suddenly chokes on his drink.

“You ok there, angel?”

Aziraphale nods as Crowley pats his back, waiting for the coughing fit to end. As soon as he’s recovered, the angel takes another sip.

“Crowley, you did understand when I explained it to you at the Ark, didn’t you?” He looks at Crowley, mild concern on his face.

“Well yeah, I got that part. Learned some more about it later anyway.”

“Then what do you mean ‘you thought there’d be more?’”

“Hhnk,” Crowley says noncommittally, sliding down the sofa a bit more. “Shouldn’t have said anything… Forget about it.”

“Crowley, what did you do?” Now that the idea is out in the open, there is no way Aziraphale is letting him get away with not telling him.

“S’really dumb angel, lisssten, it’s fine, didn’t work anyway…” Aziraphale is watching him intently, wine forgotten for now. “Happened on the Ark. Been in there for three months, and I was reallllly bored.”

Crowley groans, downs the rest of his glass, pours himself a new one (and tops off Aziraphale’s while he’s at it), before mumbling an explanation as fast as possible, the words barely audible.

“What was that my dear?”

Crowley sighs loudly.

“I said I fucked the last bloody unicorn! I mean, obviously I was one too at the time, already fucking weird enough, wasn’t gonna make it worse —got all the knees figured out and everything. And s’not like I was going for anything, was just trying to save the species really, and well— well it didn’t work anyway so there, go on, you can laugh at me now.”

Instead of the expected peal of laughter, Aziraphale goes bright red and almost drops his glass.

“Oh dear…” he says.

“Yeahhh…”

Aziraphale shakes his head. “No, I’m afraid you don’t quite get it, dear boy.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“I’m—I mean, that is to say, that I—” Aziraphale says a bit frantically, stumbling over his words, hands moving about, the wine at risk of spilling over any moment. “Well I rather had the same idea you see…” he finally admits quietly.

“You gotta be kidding me.”

“I just, well, in my defense I truly was astonishingly drunk that night… And you’d been rather crestfallen with the whole business last I’d seen you, and I was quite tired of death and grief, and I thought that perhaps, that was one thing I could fix.”

Crowley grins. “So you went and fucked the last unicorn.”

The angel winces. “Must you say it like that? I was… merely helping a dying species reproduce.”

“You fucked a unicorn to make me happy.”

Aziraphale huffs as Crowley’s grin widens. “Well it didn’t work now, did it. There were no offsprings whatsoever.” He takes a swig of wine, reclining in his seat.

“Yeah, I mean, I figured it was cause I’m a demon and all, but you’re an angel. Bring life and all that,” he concludes, waving an arm about in the angel’s direction.

“In any case, I guess it’s lucky we didn’t surprise each other like that. That might have turned out to be a bit more awkward.”

“Hng…” Crowley agrees.

The room is silent for a few moments, the two of them sipping on whatever brand of wine they’re now drinking (they’d last checked for a name about three bottles ago).

“Hey angel, when you, well, you know… the unicorn was white, yea?” Crowley says tentatively.

Aziraphale suddenly looks sheepish, turning a shade brighter.

“Well… now that you mention it, I’m… I’m not so sure anymore. It did look darker, but I always thought it was because of, well, because there wasn’t much light down there and… Crowley… what, well, what sex did you expect this unicorn to be exactly?”

Crowley shrugs. “Well I thought it was female at first and then when I got there it was male so I just figured I got it wrong and changed…”

Another moment of silence, followed by two simultaneous “Ah…” of understanding.

“Crowley did you think a male unicorn would give birth?!” Aziraphale suddenly asks, staring at Crowley with concern.

The demon scoffs. “That’s the question you wanna ask me right now!??”

“Well it is a valid concern.”

Crowley has no retort to that. He changes back the subject. “Aziraphale, do you think we—"

“I believe that would be the case, yes.”

“Hrk, right…”

“So, no more unicorns then,” Aziraphale concludes.

Crowley raises his glass and tilts his head.

“No more unicorns.”

They both down the rest of their glass in one go, staring ahead. Aziraphale is fully slumped on the sofa. Crowley is almost on the ground by now. The room is silent again.

“Guess that would explain this other thing then…” Crowley says after a few minutes.

“And what might that explain exactly?”

“Look, I had loads of plain weird or really awful sex over the years…”

“Par for the course I should think,” Aziraphale says nonchalantly, reaching for a bottle with something left in it.

“Well yeah, but I always used to compare them you know? Just for fun, or mostly cause I got bored. Mostly that second reason to be honest.”

He takes the bottle from Aziraphale’s hand, and drinks the last of it.

“Guess that’s why the bloody unicorn always kept ranking so damn high…”


End file.
